This was my third photo-shoot with the amazing Jennifer, and I would recommend it to anyone!
Her energy is so positive and beautiful to be around, you can’t help but have the best day.

As soon as I read about her Cheer sessions, I was keen to come in for one, because I have been working hard on my own mental health for the last three years and wanted to help her support the Canadian Mental Health Association.
I have always struggled with self-esteem and, after a period of a lot of change and loss in my life, I found an amazing therapist who has helped me so much. I read a quote once ftom Brianna Wiest, that said, “Your new life is going to cost you your old one.” That turned out to be so true for me. I had a lot of friendships in my life that definitely relied on me making other people’s needs and
feelings more important than my own.

For most of my life, I have confused being nice with being kind. So, in trying to be kind and avoid conflict, I was agreeable to my own detriment. Ultimately, this led to a lot of resentment that I always was the last priority, including to myself.

A big step for me as I started to appreciate myself more was that I started to notice how my energy was affected by people in my life – if I felt good after spending time with them or if I felt like I was walking on eggshells.

Reach for people who are reaching for you. Spend time with people who lift up your energy – if you feel drained after talking to them or spending time with them, don’t do it. Don’t feel bad for ruthlessly cutting toxic energy out of your life. If everything is a conflict, it is kinder to both of you not to spend any energy on it.

This opened up a lot of mental space for me and, although it was isolating at first to move away from familiar friendships and relationships, it also creates a lot of space for great people and experiences to come in. I have built so many wonderful and supportive friendships since that are such a delight. Nothing will heal you faster than good relationships, but you have to believe
that you deserve it.

I chose yellow as my paint colour, because I wanted the photos to show the joy and gratitude I feel from learning to love myself. It can take a long time, but I promise it transforms your life.

- Becky

​

Growing up, I’ve always been on the heavier side. I mean, I ate right, I got plenty of exercise, but still, I was bigger than almost all the other girls. Around the time I was hitting puberty (probably age 11), I was really starting to grow.

Unfortunately for me, my hair wasn’t blond; it was black. I had the thick eye brows, black hairy arms and legs, but I still wanted to wear the cute skorts, and t-shirts. Sadly, that was also the time when my insecurity issues started. I liked certain boys, but the boys didn’t like me. Picked on for having hairy legs, and a moustache, not being girly enough, I always covered my body because I was ashamed. Fast forward to grade 11, some things have changed, slimmed down a bit from playing rugby, “grew” in the right places, and I met a boy who would later become my husband.

During the honeymoon stage, every was good. But we don’t have a lot in common, but I liked that about him. A year into the relationship, I move away, but we continue our relationship long distance until one day, he asks me to marry him! I say yes! We’ve hit some rocky points in the relationship by now, but we’re still wanting to get married. The planning process, still rocky.

The wedding day, amazing, first two years of marriage, pretty decent for never having lived together before! The romance over the years, slowly dwindling.

Now we fast forward to December of 2018, and some stuff happens that floors me. January, the relationship is on this ice, and I’m bending over backwards trying to fix it, trying to make it work. Doing things I think would make him happy. At this point, I’m feeling like a failure because nothing is working. He just wants out. I’m a failure of a wife, a failure in my profession, because my personal stuff is affecting my ability to do my job. Then I start to think I’m a disappointment to my parents and family because my marriage is in the crapper.

And now, insecurities are through the roof and I’m in a dark, dark, place. I felt like I was in water, and even though I know how to swim, I just couldn’t break the surface and I was drowning. I didn’t know how to handle everything that was coming at me. It seemed that every time I opened my mouth to talk to the man who was supposed to love me unconditionally forever, it made him frustrated and not want to be around me.

Thoughts of suicide because I couldn’t make my husband happy, but I wanted to because I loved him. Thoughts of suicide because of personal stuff getting in the way of me performing my duties at my work place. Thoughts of suicide because I’m letting my parents down and not giving them a grandchild. This is not what I wanted for my life. I thought I’d be married at 21, first child by 25, second by 27, maybe a third by 30. A house somewhere in between all that.

Well, I’ve just turned 30 and no kids, I’m separated/divorcing, and my husband-not-husband, is already dating someone new. We’ve come to realize that we were trying to hard to keep our relationship like it was when we got together. We didn’t give it room to grow, nor did we support each other in the things we wanted to do. We didn’t communicate.

Thankfully, I’m still alive. Even through all of that, I’m still breathing. I knew I was in a dark place, and I sought help. I took a week off of work, reflected on myself, and reached out to my doctor, and she said that I have severe depression, and that she’s putting me on medication. I reached out to my mom, and to anyone I thought would be able to help me, and who would understand. Shockingly enough, some of my family members even shared their stories of when they went to the dark place. In a weird way, I felt better knowing I wasn’t alone. I had more people than I realized who knew the pain I was going through, and were there to help me.

With therapy, and medication, I’ve been working really hard to feel better. And so far, it’s working. I’m learning to pick my battles, I’m learning to LOVE myself before anyone else. I’m learning that a man doesn’t define me. A man doesn’t make me happy. I need to make me happy. I’m doing things for me now. For my birthday my mom, brother and his girlfriend, all pitch in and do something extremely wonderful by contacting Jen at lady lucky and book a shoot for me. I choose pin up.

We scheduled a time to meet, and instantly click. Some laughs, some tears, we bond. The day of the shoot comes, I’m prepared for everything. And Jen made me feel so comfortable, like I’ve known her for years, and with every click of her camera, I’m feeling beautiful.

Every time she said something sweet, I didn’t know what to say, because I didn’t hear that often. I never felt beautiful. I never felt worthy. I’m not sure if there is anyone out there who can relate to my story, but just know you are not alone.

You are beautiful! You are loved. You deserve to be here. You deserve to be happy. Book with Jen! You will not regret it, you’ll have the most gorgeous photos to remember the day and the way you felt, and it’ll empower you every day! I’m still on a high from the shoot day a week ago. I feel invincible, like nothing will ever bring me down or hurt me. I’m loving myself more because of it. And so should you. 

- Jacqueline

John and I have been together for 13 years. We've been married for 10. It seems like no time at all and forever all at once. We have two kids and a dog who all keep us busy. When I was pregnant with our oldest John was diagnosed with cancer. He is healthy now but it was tough go for a bit. Everything that from the outside looks like it should tear us apart brings us closer. Every couple hits challenges and it's how you deal with it that will determine the strength and longevity of your relationship.

I'm a plus sized girl, always have been. John has always seen me as beautiful, always. Some days I doubt it but he always reminds me. I've lost weight and gained weight while we were together but he's never changed how he looks at me or makes me feel.

I've always been proud of who I am and what makes me, me. Doing a photo shoot like this gives you power. It shows you how someone else sees you, sees your relationship. When we are old and wrinkled I want to look back at these photos that Jen did for us and remember that we rock, that our love is strong and that we were fearless in that love.

- Trish

#boudoir #couplesboudoir #photographer

Hey! Its Jen.. your crazy blue headed photographer!

A little over 2 weeks ago, I had the pleasure of spending the day with Mike and Chantel.

Couples boudoir photos need to be done MORE.

Whether its a new relationship, you have been together for quite awhile, or you have split up and gotten back together.. it is one heck of an experience, let me tell you.

Documenting your unique love, having a FLIPPING blast together the day of the shoot (and after.. hehe) Its a BEAUTIFUL thing.

I want to make this known to more people. The MAGIC that is, doing a COUPLES BOUDOIR photo shoot!

And here we have it. The very first couple to each share a little story about how they met, where they are now and why they did this shoot <3

My heart is FULL.


Mike Wrote:

Chantel and I met 19 years ago through a mutual friend.

In October we will be married for 8 years.

Through that time we have created so many memories, dealt with tribulations such as bouncing between jobs for a while before landing at Toyota 10 yrs ago. Also family loss and medical issues!

Through it all there was no one I’d rather have at my side than Chantel. We have battled through it all and in that time had 2 beautiful daughters that fill our hearts.... and soak up most of our time lol.

In a relationship as long as ours obviously there are intimacy highs and lows but together through communication and love we have thrived. Our recent couples boudoir shoot wasn’t about rekindling the flame within us but to fuel the fire and keep it sizzling!!

Chantel Wrote:

I met Mike almost 19 years ago.

I was at a friend’s house and we were just hanging out when these boys crashed out girl’s night.

They both walked through the door and the first words out of Mikes mouth were wow your short! LOL My smart ass reply was, "Holy F*ck your tall" what’s it to you!

We ended up, hanging out all night and I learned a lot about Mike but not so much that I knew his real name.

I thought his name was Terry as that was what he was introduced to me as. Little did I know at that time it was a nickname because of his last name. He was in college and I was in high school.

We hung out for a good month before we decided we were going to date.

Now mind you with him being older then me he always respected my parents and their rules. He would even bring me home 20 minutes before curfew as he wouldn’t chance being late!

We have made everything work in our relationship even a period of long distance.

Fast forward to where we are now. Married 8 years this October First and we have two beautiful daughters that are 7 and 5 years old.

My heart still races when Mike walks in the room and I love, even more, the man I have seen him become. A lot of people and friends that we knew as couples in high school haven’t made it as they fall out of love or have lost that spark.

I personally couldn’t imagine losing it as I don’t know anything different. Mike is what keeps our relationship and family whole.

I am guilty of body shaming myself more then once to the point of cancelling plans and making up excuses as to why we can’t go out all because I didn’t like how I looked in the outfits I have. I have been on so many different diets that were not good for me as I thought it was what I needed to feel sexy; I thought it was what Mike wanted. To get me back to the small figure I once was. Little did I know that my husband sees me sexy no matter what. He knows that I have carried and have grown two beautiful babies inside my body and that took a toll and that he just wants me happy and confident as that is what he finds sexy.

I booked my first Boudoir session and surprised Mike with a book with all of my photos.

I still had reservations but when I seen how he reacted that got me thinking I wanted more!

I met Jen and knew that was the one that was going to get both of us confident and through the shoot.

I am normally one to cover up but as I walked through the studio in the outfits not once did I feel the need. Mike and I have never lost the spark and this shoot wasn’t to help us through anything but building my confidence back up in myself. Seeing these photos and watching the passion in his eyes tells me again how much he loves me and everything about me. <3


THANK YOU Mike and Chantel for a GREAT day, for sharing your story and for being the great human beings you are.

​- Jennifer


​

“I’m afraid I won’t be brave enough to give up what I want and say yes to what my soul is asking of me.”
-The old me

This woman in these pictures is strong, powerful, beautiful, confident, self assured, a warrior goddess. This woman loves life, she is consciously creating, she is a mother of 3, and a fiance. She is a leader in her community and helps others on their journey. She is a natural muscle champion, and an elite speaker. She is a mindset coach, a homeopath, and the owner of a successful metaphysical boutique called Thrive mind, body & soul. She is a Warrior Goddess. BUT 5 years ago, life was very different.

5 years ago, I was lying on the cold bathroom floor. Colourful toys lay discarded around the house. Dirty clothes flow out of the laundry baskets. Horns and neighbourhood children’s laughter bellow in the windows. Beside the toilet the telephone. My children are not here, and I don’t know when, if ever they will be back. I was being investigated for child abuse. The children would not be back till and if I am cleared of the allegations. I have lost, my home, my marriage, my money, my career, and now my children. I am broken. This is my rock bottom. 

I was feeling lost, unworthy, and unloved. I was consumed by this deep and lonely feeling that made me identify myself with less than who I felt I really was. I knew I was worth more, but I couldn’t help feeling sorry for myself. I felt full of anxiety and depression. That bathroom floor where my body was throwing up the pain, the resentment, the fear, the worry, the doubt, and the self sabotage, that bathroom floor was where I gained clarity and transformation. That was the moment when I remembered who I was. I could see her, I could feel her, but I didn’t know how to get to her.”

I WAS AFRAID I WON’T BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO GIVE UP WHAT I WANT AND SAY YES TO WHAT MY SOUL IS ASKING OF ME.”

There was so much chatter going on inside of my head, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t sleep, I was barely eating, and was suppressing all that I was feeling with a glass of wine or two. I realized that in order to get to her I had to go within.

So it began.

The Goddess

 The biggest lesson I have ever learned, love myself and let the light in. I began to meditate, eat healthy, exercise, cut the drinking, and treat myself with love. I took time for myself, doing things that brought me joy, and didn’t feel guilt or shame about it.
I have learned to communicate authentically, and that a win/win situation is always best. 
I practiced Forgiveness so I can let go and release that which no longer serves me.

The Warrior

I learned to take radical responsibility. It is my belief that I created all the experiences in my life, or how I choose to react to them, I started to take ownership of that and realize that I am always creating and that meant that I was no longer a victim to myself or others. There are memories and lessons everything else falls away. I now choose to consciously create the experiences.
I started to push myself and get uncomfortable. JUMP I would tell myself. I choose to no longer let fear hold me back. Yes, I may get hurt but I learned that our hearts don’t break they tear like any muscle, and then they repair, growing stronger and bigger. I choose to take the chance rather than stay in the same place for the rest of my life. 

I learned integrity is important. If I say I am going to do something I do it, I show up for myself and others. So, I declared I was going to start showing up more. But How???? I wanted to declare to myself and the world that this is who I am. This is who I have become.

Being Seen

That’s when I called Jen.  The day of the photo shoot, I was treated like a goddess. I got my hair done, my make up done and tried a million outfits on. Then came the warrior showing up and doing it. Feeling uncomfortable but jumping anyways. Baring myself to the world, this is who I am, this is ME!
I Love my pictures, I love the way I felt, the way I showed up and the way I am seen.

From the bathroom floor, to warrior goddess was not an easy or short journey. It has been years of doing the work and continuing.  But if I can do it, so can you! Again if I can do it, so can you!!!! 

“She remembered who she was and the game changed.” Lalah Deliah

With Love 
Tara
​

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was as untamable as the wind. She was bright like the sun, fresh as the running river, bold as the summer sky, and had the world at her fingertips. Her thirst for life and knowledge gave her the confidence to embrace her freedom and truly live.  She filled each moment with vibrant passion and adventure.
 
The prince of a long forgotten kingdom saw her light, and wanted it for himself. He pursued her relentlessly, with promises of great adventures. The girl resisted, for her freedom was worth more than anything the prince could surely offer, but the girl’s family encouraged her to tame herself, and begin a life of stability and honour. And so, she agreed.
 
But the rules were strict, the crown heavy, and the dresses tight. She traded freedom for false stability and felt regret almost immediately. The very light that the prince had pursued was blinding him, and he felt rage being left in her shadow. He made it his mission to dim the princess and steal her light for his own.
 
From the outside, the new princess had a perfect life: after all, she had a castle, and a prince, and eventually, small heirs to her kingdom. She was strong and outspoken, kind and friendly, smart and talented, and oh so very lucky.
 
All the villagers around her marveled at her life, but the truth was that the princess was a caged bird. She could no longer frolic in the fields, she could no longer make new acquaintances in the market, she was told to be less, to be quiet, and her pursuits were now silly and inconsequential in light of her new royal role. She felt bound, lifeless, and desolate.
 
She sought love, and was given silence. She sought support, and was told to look elsewhere. She sought adventure, but was kept caged. She sought help, and was left alone. All that was left were the rules of what the prince wanted her to be, opposing in stark contrast  the girl he once so relentlessly pursued.
 
She found little joy in the confines of the carefully constructed world she was in. She was empty, and her light had been snuffed. She retreated into herself, finding solace in the dark corners of isolation. If she built a wall of her own making, the castle mote would not seem as daunting. One day, in her lonely wanderings, she discovered secrets in the castle walls; they were filled with moldy guilt and filthy treaties and she knew she could not abide by the terrible things done in her kingdom.
 
When she confronted the prince about the things his armies had done, he cast her aside and denied the heirs their throne. He would make her pay for speaking up. He would make her regret her using her voice. He would hold her prisoner forever, never to see the sunlight again. He locked her down, and she plotted her escape.
 
She had given her life to the kingdom, where would she go? The darkness of the dungeon overtook her, but each day, she would remove the crown from her weary head, and use it’s sharp edges to carve a bigger and bigger hole in the stone wall, until one day, a small ray of sunshine blasted in. She knew if she just kept trying, she’d reach freedom.
 
On the day she finally exploded through those walls, the princess gathered her children and escaped to the forest, lungs filled with the air she missed so much. For a long time, the princess and her children hid in the forest depths, quietly gathering their strength. Many days, the princess felt like breathing was all she could accomplish, but her children sat patiently next to her. She lived as though in a dream world – unsure how this new reality had happened.
 
In the depths of the protective forest, it became difficult to tell night from day – how long had they been hiding? Anxious and fearful, the princess remained lifeless and hidden.
 
And then one day, the princess awoke with a start, to find her children kneeling next to her.
 
“Mommy, enough. We need you now,” was all they said, and with that, the princess felt a warm light inside her. 
 
She remembered that feeling. 

​The strength. The power. The happiness. The freedom.
 
She stood slowly, brushing the leaves and mud from her dirty gown, taking her children’s hands in her own, and walked out of the cool forest into the sunshine. Chins to the sky, all three of them could feel their futures.
 
As they marched towards the village, they happened upon a strawberry patch. As the princess bent down to pick the berries, her dress tore, and she ripped the confining fabric apart. She carefully picked the berries, placing them in the fabric torn from her gown, and carried them to the market where she sold them. With the first batch of berries sold, she bought a swatch of fabric to make a shelter for her and the children. With the next, she bought new seeds to plant new crops. It wasn’t long until the princess and her children had enough to buy the land on which her garden grew.
 
With each effort, came new rewards. The days were exhausting, and each night a sweet relief, but the princess realized that the hard work was well worth the freedom. Never again would she sacrifice herself.
 
Together, the princess and her children carved a new quiet life for themselves, in the shadow of the prince’s kingdom.
 
True, they would never be royalty, but they would know unending love, and together live happily ever after.

My Journey to There to Here

I sometimes look in the mirror these days and wonder, how the hell did I get here, doing what I am doing? Me? A fitness trainer? That is not possible!  But it is in fact the truth and my reality now, and I am loving every minute of it!
I have had a similar story to many people, in that I have struggled with my body image for as long as I can remember. Small hints as a child from here and there, comments made, that told me my body wasn’t right, that if it were different, it would make me a better person. I would look better, my jeans would fit right, and life would just be perfect. But the way you are.... well... it just doesn’t cut it.   I was never picked for sports teams I tried out for. I was picked close to last in gym when gym became about only sports and not the fun games we used to play. 


I had it in my head for all of my adult years that weight loss needed to happen. I tried all the fads, all the diets.   I can list more things that took me down the spiral of self hate, but you get the picture and it’s not a story you have not heard before, and well... that is the problem isn’t it? My story is TOO familiar. There are so many of us that can nod in agreement as we read and relate to a childhood to adulthood story of feeling crappy about our self image because of being told we are not good enough from family, from peers, from media.
THIS STORY HAS TO CHANGE!


Although sports were never my thing, I have always liked being active, hiking and walking, riding my bike, going to the gym, etc.  But when I got older, moved to Toronto from St. Catharines at 33, work and life changed and I became less active.   So when I got into my fourties, I decided, after watching my parents start to deal with some health issues, that I wanted to give myself a fighting chance to avoid some of the same.  In January of 2016, I found a 6 week boot camp challenge that was in my neighbourhood and thought, ok, 6 weeks, I can do this. But I was terrified! I was so out of shape and at 43 years old I thought both what the hell, why not, and what the hell am I doing? 

The challenge was against the other participants, and whomever had the biggest transformation in both weight and inches lost won $500.  So I took it seriously, I followed the prescribed eating plan of tracking my macros on My Fitness Pal, and I went to every single workout, 3 times a week at 6am.  Starting from a place of not being able to do a decent push up to pretty darn good ones after 6 weeks AND I WON THE CHALLENGE!  I was so excited and not only that I started to love the workouts!  So I put the $500 back into the monthly membership fee, signed up for a year and I was off to get to my goal of losing 70lbs! 


I was consistent with my workouts, diligent and obsessive about my eating, and in less than a year I achieved that 70 lb weight loss! I was so excited! Over 200 likes on Facebook for my post about it. People told me how inspiring I was and what was I doing so that they could learn from me... and it was a whirlwind of emotions.   One of the things I started to think was... hmmm maybe I can help others, maybe I should become a trainer! I have always been in a helping field. That is what I decided to do.



But another thing happened at the same time. After losing the weight... I felt a bit lost. I wasn’t sure how to eat, do I have to follow this counting thing my whole life in order to stay there? It seemed like a lot of work to continue. I also got comments from people about looking too skinny now, and don’t lose any more, and jealous type comments from some people around me.   It was a confusing time.   I realized I did not want to keep up the lifestyle of counting everything I ate, and feeling bad or guilty if I ate outside of that, I mean are peas and corn really going to make me fat?  But at the same time, I liked being smaller, I had never wanted to be thin, but my body felt better with less weight, less pain in my bones.  I still felt that weightloss is the only way to achieve good health at this point. But something didn’t quite feel right, I was still judging myself, and others if they weren’t trying to be smaller and how could someone be healthy if they are overweight?

 
In the Spring of the following year I signed up for the Fit Chicks Academy and worked my butt off doing the education and also working full time but I did it and became a certified Personal and Group Fitness trainer. The training also talked about nutrition and healthy eating, and weight loss.  I really enjoyed the program and learned lots about the body and I was ready to start on my next leg of the journey!  I was also still struggling at the same time with trying to figure out my own body issues, and how to eat healthy, maintain a busy lifestyle and not obsess about it all. 


Within 5 months of graduating, myself and another trainer decided to open up our own boot camp.  But during those 5 months in between, I had started to read more about being body positive, loving yourself where you are at, and that maybe weight loss is not the key to health.  So when the time came... I was still wanting to help people lose weight if they wanted to, but starting to change my values on it.  I had already gained some of the weight back that I lost, and I was ok with it for the most part, but scared about losing the gains I had made in my health.  In the midst of opening the business I had a personal issue happen that cause some emotional trauma, and I found myself turning to food once again, to make me feel better. So. Much Guilt. 


In January 2018, Body Positivity Movement Boot camp was born.  I loved the name and I loved the concept, but I still wasn’t fully living it yet.  I started reading more about this movement, I read Health at Every Size, Embody, Intuitive Eating,  and a few other books and many articles that started to open my eyes and mind that maybe we as a society have it all wrong!  So many studies said DIETS DON’T WORK!  That made me feel so relieved and conflicted at the same time. You mean all this time I am not weak? I am not fully at fault if I gain the weight back? Plus, it is ok if I do and I can still be healthy and as long as I exercise and mostly make healthy food choices? What????    I started seeking out as much info as I could on this subject and I started to really feel like I found my tribe!    After about 7 months of building the boot camp, my business partner got an opportunity to move on to his dream job, and although I was scared, I was ready to fully take on the Body Positive approach both business wise and in my own life! I have even started a group for young girls call the Girls Empowerment Movement (GEM). It is a group to instill more confidence both inside and out at an age where we start to lose it. (see more info on my website)


I have really started to dig deep these last few months into my own body image issues, and the fitness industry will really play a number on you for this!  But I know now in my heart, that I am healthy strong woman, as I am. I am healing my disordered relationship with food and how I look and feel, and my passion is now to support others in this journey. I want to be a role model for those that need it. But wait, that is scary, you have to put yourself out there! Ah!

SO I did.

 Last week, I did a photo shoot, with the most amazing photographer who opened up her studio, and her heart to further heal my blocks, and the blocks of other women by showing them how beautiful they are.  For the first time in my life... I will be exposing my belly to the world! OMG!  It’s not flat, its not 6 pack ripped (on the outer layers anyway!)  I have cellulite on my legs, but it is REAL.  I had so much fun doing the shoot. I have worked hard at starting the process of most days feeling ok looking in the mirror.  The shoot that I did was also to support mental health, which is a BIG part of body positivity. 

The shoot was with Lady Luck Photography in Ridgeway, Ontario. Jennifer
(McCready) calls them CHEER sessions, which I think is perfect. 

I had paint splattered all over me! We used the colours of my business and it was so much fun!  I felt so good after and we laughed through the whole thing!

I have always been someone who wants to change the world for the better, and now I know how I am going to do it.

One beautiful body at a time.  My business motto is Love Yourself- Love the World. 

Love is the only answer on how to change things, and ourselves for the better. 

​ My wish for you, is that you will feel the same about yourself.  Until next time..... I am Here!

 
 

My name is Stacey and I am strong, powerful, independent, and beautiful, but I wasn’t always this way.

A lot of you may find it weird to hear that the girl that some of you know has
a very dark past, a past that almost took me from this world. All my life I have strived for perfection, I wanted to have the best job, the best car, the best boyfriend, and above all else the best body. I wanted to be liked by everyone and found it very upsetting when I wasn't liked. This need to be perfect came at a cost, a cost that would ultimately find me at St. Catharines general in the Psych ward on suicide watch.

Shortly after I had my gorgeous daughter Freya my world spun into a whirlwind of guilt and regret and pain. I HATED myself, I HATED what I looked like, I HATED my life, so I decided to try and change this so I went to a local gym and I hired a personal trainer. At first it took
me so much effort to drag myself to the gym, but after a while I started to love the way I felt, and I started to shrink right before everyone's eyes. At first everything that i was doing was healthy, and I was getting healthy life was getting better, then my gym went bankrupt and I
was forced to find another gym and trainer to keep up with my incredible progress.


I eventually found a gym that felt right to me in Niagara Falls and I continued with my routine.

I got a new trainer and I was feeling fantastic. As a few months went on you could find me at the gym 3 hours a day 7 days a week, and as bad as that may seem to make things worse I had developed something that would consume me …. An eating disorder.

​Now I have suffered through eating disorders when I was younger but they were never to this extreme,
​
WITH as much as I was going to the gym I was doing all that on only a 600 calorie diet. Before I even realized that I had a problem I started to notice physical things like I was losing strength, all of a sudden weights that I had no problem lifting all of a sudden seemed heavy to me. I remember being at the gym one morning and I was running and the next thing you knew I was on the floor …. I had passed out but the scariest thing about this was the fact that my heart rate was insanely low, so low in fact that my doctor informed me that if I were to continue the way that i am going he was fearful that my heart would just STOP!

I did slow down slightly at the gym but not as much as I should have.
The day that i realized that I had a problem with eating was my sisters rehearsal dinner, we had pizza and wings for dinner and I had 1 chicken wing, and a quarter of a square slice of pizza. As soon as I consumed that i felt so guilty with myself for eating carbs that I ran to my mom and dads bathroom and threw everything up and cried, I cried for so long and I remember my dad coming in and just holding me and my mom telling me that we were going
to get me help. Soon after I started going to New Port Eating Disorder clinic and things started to get better, but with eating came weight gain.

The weight gain was scary but It was coming on slowly and I kept telling myself that i was getting healthy. Then came my second pregnancy, and then the fear came back, I was so stressed out, I cried all the time, I wanted to die, I tried to really watch what I was eating but also tried to make sure my child was getting fed. I gained weight, and I gained weight fast and I gained quite a bit of weight. After I had my son Quinn I had postpartum, I feel that a lot
of that stemmed from the fact that I went back to work 2 days after i has him.

I had my son in June and come September 15th I was hospitalized. I remember driving that night thinking that I was going to jump off a bridge and that everyone else would be so much better off without me. As I was driving I saw the hospital sign and I decided right then and there I would give life one more chance.

Three and a Half years later I weigh more than I did, however I LOVE MYSELF …. Most days! I am graduating on Honor Roll from Hospitality Hotel Restaurant Operations this June and I'm going for my Bachelor Degree in the Fall.

I started performing Burlesque again and I am the lead singer in this amazing band Strange Tendency.

But above all these accomplishments my best accomplishments are my 2 beautiful children cause if it wasn't for them I can assure you I wouldn't be here today, they saved my life.
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I am Stronger, I’m a Fighter, I will Rise Undefeated!