Twenty six years ago my Mom’s first husband, my birth father, made a choice. His love required conditions, required his children to abandon who they were and focus on his needs. That is the point when I started to lose who I was and focus on the needs of others above my own.
When I was twenty four years old my first husband came into my life. Unforgivable events occurred throughout our ten and a half year relationship, I chose to not see them for what they were because I wanted to hold onto the security of being in a relationship and being accepted.
When I was thirty five years old I started a relationship with someone, someone who I never met, someone who understood that I was vulnerable. I wanted so badly to be loved, to be desired, I was completely blind to the reality of getting scammed.
In discovering who I am and what I need I can finally see that I allowed people in my life who were manipulative and who took advantage of my vulnerabilities. I would do whatever it took to hold onto the possibility and the hope of love, no matter the consequences. I did everything possible to ensure their happiness, even if it meant destroying my own.
It takes so much energy to break a cycle; I needed to realize and be aware of just how low I had become because of what I accepted, what I forgave and what I thought was okay.
To truly feel love, desire and hope I have to believe in myself and understand what I need. It takes time, it takes effort, it takes needing to feel totally exposed in order to finally and fully start to understand who I am.
I am no longer buried and stuck below the surface.
I am still struggling.
I am trying to forgive myself.
I am taking care of myself.
I am moving forward.