I am not going to bore you with the details of my past; I have worked hard to get to this point in my life and have decided to stay in the present as much as possible.

Because of multiple unfortunate events in my life, I have been diagnosed with PTSD, generalized anxiety and major depressive disorder. I have suffered in silence for years, pushing my thoughts, feelings and emotions down so far, I thought no one would notice. I worked hard to keep people thinking I was this "wonder woman"; working 2 jobs, taking on a full university course load, maintaining a household with 3 children and being married. Avoidance was the key to keep me from crumbling and this going, no one will see how much pain I am in and how I am not a "wonder woman", but someone who is suffering, but too proud to ask for help. Once I realized that I couldn't sustain this lifestyle any longer, I reached out for help. I had seen multiple counselors throughout my life, but I felt that it was time for something drastic. I reached out to an agency and asked for inpatient treatment. I waited for 6 months before finally getting the call that it was time to go.

I had a week to prepare myself and my family for my leave; I would be gone for 56 days. The day came when it was time for me to head to treatment; I was more scared then I had ever been in my life. I had no idea what to expect and I was so sad to leave my family for an extended period of time. What if my youngest forgot about me? What if my eldest hates me for leaving? I knew this was something that I needed to do, in order for me to be healthy and present in my life.

The first week was scary and I felt very alone. Once I came out of my shell, I met some amazing people who would forever change my life. Treatment itself was very helpful for me, but nothing will beat the connections I made and the feeling I had when I realized other people understood me because they were going through similar things. This had never happened to me before; the shame and guilt I had been feeling all of my life, were "normal" for people with PTSD. Finally, people who got it and didn't judge me, they accepted me and it felt amazing.

My whole life my brain has been telling me how stupid, worthless and ugly I am. These people, this community, was there supporting me and telling me to stop being so hard on myself. They understood how my brain works and got that there would be bad days and they helped me through those bad days. I came home from treatment not liking myself, because that will take some time, but not entirely hating myself. For someone with PTSD, I would call that a win. These pictures represent how my brain feels; chaos, anger, sadness and hate for myself on the inside and on the outside, that armor, that smile that pretends everything is perfect. Really, I am just an actress, putting up a front, so I can help others, friends or clients, and always avoiding taking care of myself.

Those 56 days were about me. All. About. Me. For the first time in 35 years, I took what I needed and with the support of family, friends and the PTSR community, I made it through those days. It wasn't easy, but nothing worth fighting for ever is. I choose me. I choose happy no matter what that looks like. I have been home from treatment for almost 2 months and I have my struggles. There will always be days where my thoughts are dark and I feel like I don't have any choices. I know I have choices and I have friends, family and the connections I made through treatment, to get me through those days.

Just because I offer a smile and come across as happy, that doesn't mean I'm not breaking on the inside, I am just really great at hiding it.

​- Kendall

#PTSD #endthestigma #mentalhealthawareness #CAMH

I spend my life listening to life stories. I’ve been told that I’m a star shaped peg in the square of life (good & bad, I guess). People want my energy. They allow me to walk with them in the darkest of times; they say I help them to be strong, accepting and brave.

CAMH One Brave Night for Mental Health™ (Friday April 6th, 2018 is a Canada-wide challenge to share one night to inspire hope for the one in five Canadians living with mental illness in any given year.

It’s my time to eat my own words. (pun intended, because words have no calories)

I’m stepping forward to share my story. It’s my truth that in all my writings, I never imagined I would see.

..............................................................................................................................

Natalie Proulx - Funeral Director -Bereavement Educator - Life Celebrant - School Nerd – Mom – the people loving, overly energetic foodie.

But my medical files says otherwise. Natalie Proulx

Body Image Dysmorphia (BDD), Binge Eating Disorder (BED), Anorexia, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Dermatillomania

In my life I’ve had great support – nothing majorly traumatic. A good family. A crazy amount of great friends. I feel that if there was something suppressed in my mind, one of the 807ish therapy rooms I’ve sat in would have discovered it. I had a pretty tame case of sexual abuse as a child compared to what all too many children go through, and hid it like most children do, but I don’t feel that I carry that with me. I had highs and lows with my body in my teenage years.

One moment I would want an inappropriately aged low rise jean and cropped top outfit, then the next moment I would look at myself and think “what was I ever thinking to show my body like this – I didn’t have a right with my big legs and fat arms”. This would literally happen multiple times in a day. Highschool started my need for a “safety jacket”, the quick cover up for those moments when I loathed myself, and when that wasn’t enough, I decided it was easier to go grunge and attempt to convince myself that I loved sporting my xxl Roots sweatshirts.


Twenty years have passed since high school, and I can still name every person that I obsessed over, knowing they were thinner than me. I could even tell you where their lockers were, because I would compulsively watch them, studying them to see what they did and ate that kept them smaller than me. I remember my effed up ‘reality’ shattering when a guy that I had an interest in started dating someone heavier than me, after I had basically convinced that part of why we would never make it was my size. I loved food and hated sports so that wasn’t helping my personal cause.


In grade 11 came a thyroid problem that put on 17 pounds in the course of a couple of months, and with that stemmed many hours spent in the library researching the “best eating disorder for me”. Throwing up wasn’t an option, so I learned to not eat, or only eat in the presence of others – binging was easy. I learned the magic and cheapness of Epsom salts – the wretched tasting shot that would purge your body of whatever you ate, but could be bought cheaply and was never noticed because it was the creator of a lovely bath experience. By this time, I was off in post secondary, where everyone was gaining the freshman 15 I lost the freshman 20 – afraid to eat and gain that inevitable weight.


Through this time, I maintained the popularity level that I deemed necessary to survive. I thrived on new friends and their stories; it was a mission to connect with people so I could focus on them and not myself. I won awards, I appeared obnoxiously confident and was the friend to all. Behind all that though, was a need for control.


​While not eating made me feel exhausted and weak , it gave me this God like sense of power; I was mentally invincible… To feel hunger was success; it still is to this day. It’s also the price I feel I need to pay after a day or two of binging. It’s so odd to be able to recognize that my feeling of being on top of the world is also what I use for my punishment. Did my keener brain understand this was not healthy? Of course. Did I care? No way. I was not losing that feeling.

Any shiny surface gained my attention; I would stop and scrutinize whatever I could, I was always hoping for a chance to catch myself looking thinner, that obviously was never there from only hours or even moments before. I most often walked away defeated, but sometimes – SOMETIMES I felt thin. It was that feeling of happy that I wanted so badly; a feeling that usually diminished within an hour or so after I caught myself at the right angle. I did, and still do have a love hate relationship with mirrors. Sometimes I can lose hours in front of them poking and prodding at myself, pulling back and sucking in, trying to find an angle that I feel less disgusting, and when I find that I try and approach people from that way… At least until something else in life distracts me from my own head.

I kept these issues private. This was my me time. I knew it would dampen the personality ridden happy go lucky self image that I was worked so hard to maintain. I’d constantly make jokes and start new “Life Style changes”, saying I was on a quest to achieve my birth weight. Only once I was called out by a fellow woman who was struggling, as she noticed how I cut up my food in such tiny pieces here and there, to make myself believe I was eating more than I was. She caught me. I laughed it off, said I was bored – and then I cried in the arrangement office. Guess that’s a perk of working in a funeral home, the frequent crying that comes with a hatred of your body never really goes noticed. Everyone around you is red eyed, and the tissues are plenty. No one questions if you suddenly need a moment to clear your head from the day to day.

Then, that moment happened - that moment of clarity when I thought “I can’t live like this. I can’t lose hours a day obsessing over my inadequacies, I need to get help”. I was getting ready to head to a class across campus and needed to go to the bathroom, but on my way I realized I just couldn’t because I didn’t want to have to see my thighs in those bright bathroom lights, not at that moment – because I had a presentation to give. I tossed my coffee in the garbage, clenched my girl bits and thought I would make it until when I got home where the bathroom was darker. There I wouldn’t have to put my feet on the ground on my tip toes to not see that dimple of cellulite that always showed on my upper right thigh when my legs flattened on the toilet seat. It was usually covered by a bruise, self created in a futile attempt to maybe, just maybe flatten it and make it disappear. I weighed less than 120 lbs at the time. I lost some points in that presentation for speaking too fast (because I REALLY had to pee, but at least I was in a head space that I was able to stand up there and speak. For that moment, I owned what owned me.

Today I weigh 121.3 lbs. Apparently, (from what people tell me) I weigh “more than I look”, but that doesn’t make me feel safer. In fact, as I wrote my college weight I was instantly sickened by this morning’s weigh in, and my mind was lost in what I meals I could avoid this week to beat that weight. I had clothing picked for today’s funeral, but I changed my mind. If I kept the outfit I had planned, I wouldn’t be able to breathe without dripping anxiety, let alone speak. It’s messed up. My brain should know better.



I have two little beautiful girls. The moment I found out about my first, I went to the Doctors in tears, telling her I needed some more medical intervention. Back I went to an eating disorder clinic, but this time with more of a one on one focus so I didn’t use it at a learning tool on how to do it “better” (those group sessions and self help videos were awful, we used to look at it as tips and tricks time). Instead, one on one, I hoped to learn how to ensure my strong and smart little future ladies never learned self body shaming from me, and never knew that their mom struggled in her own security. I wanted them to be brave and secure in their beauty. The world will be tough enough on them. I needed home to be their safe space. I left the appointment with a new medication or three, and different appointments after appointments for follow up therapeutic care.

Three months before the birth of my first child, like all moms I was researching cribs and all things baby, but on top of that I was connecting with seamstresses trying to create a “birthing outfit” so that I wouldn’t have be bare skinned under those bright lights. I basically was asking for them to make me a loose body suit with an escape hatch for my baby. One day a seamstress that I reached out to called me, crying, telling me to not worry – that she too had once felt like I felt, but she promised me that for the first time in my life birthing my baby would own more of my mind than my concern over my body. She was right. I wish I had not deleted all those messages out of shame, because I’d love to thank her for that. I ended my quest, trusting the words of a stranger who took the time to share her truths with me. I birthed shamelessly naked, without the weight of any clothes or any bad thoughts on my shoulders. I was way too occupied to worry about that… but once my baby latched, I checked out my belly and gave myself a timeline to when I had to return to “normal”. It’s scary to know that I had that thought in my mind BEFORE I even delivered my placenta. Before the mesh panties. Before my body even knew that it wasn’t pregnant anymore… My brain was already on how to rid myself of all signs that I had been pregnant.

The last 17 years have been filled with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy (ERP) and Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT). I’ve been an in and out patient. I’ve had more pills than I can remember the names of but will never forget the one with the little happy face on it. I have filled out more forms about “how I feel” than I’d rather admit. I’ve had so much homework of “wear pants for at least six hours in public” or “go sleeveless and post a photo on social media” and “try and wear a bikini in Jamaica and post a photo” (surprising to myself, I actually did this thanks to some Ativan and Jamaican rum – but I stretched my arms to the sky pretending to be silly, but really just trying to appear longer). I still feel this exposure therapy only made things worse, garnering comments showing that people were noticing these changes. They weren’t freeing, they froze me and I felt like I could throw up. I could feel them measuring out the diameter of my arms and legs that were always hidden away under a skirt or sleeves. The nylons that I cling to on a daily basis to “tuck me in” were still under my jeans, and I felt they just added girth to my already “large” legs. I actually fear underwear because in group one day, when I was a self placed “in patient” my roomie pointed out that underwear put a tangible ring around your waist, which would draw notice to how wide one was. She was brilliant, and I was so happy she “saved me” from that unnecessary potentially embarrassing situation, not that I ever changed in front of anyone at that time. Friends. Boyfriends. Husband. I changed while holding my shirt or in my mouth, in a corner, not to appear like I was hiding, but just casually standing in the corner, you know, naturally with a towel or shirt in my mouth. I learned to change at a sonic speed – I can actually get fully dressed in the time it takes someone to go pee in the morning. Any intimacies I had in my life had been clothed or in the dark. I can’t even imagine wanting that to change, especially after having children. I want to embrace the mom body so much, because I understand its power and story. I just can’t. Maybe one day. I’m told that when I am older I will look back and wish I wore that bathing suit. I will feel anger and annoyance that I didn’t. Honestly, that is my hope. I hope that I can look back and see myself as okay… As more than someone with a big personality and always working mind with stellar nails and awesome shoes ;) I want to feel alright with myself. Not even beautiful. Just alright.

I want to wake up and not have to check for bruises on my wrists and collar bones, because that is where constantly check to see if I “feel fattER” in the morning and throughout the day. I’d save some money on concealer without them there. I’d like to not constantly have nail marks on my midsection because I constantly pull at what I feel like stomach fat, and no one can ever make me believe it’s just skin, even if I can see my ribs – I want to see more of them. I’d like to be in a place where I don’t get so anxious that I rip off my toe nails or pick at my ears, nose or gums until they bleed, and have wounds for months, because at least people can’t see that. I wish that with every breath I wasn’t reminded that over ten years ago I picked through my nasal septum out of body image stress alone. Now that there is nothing to damage there, I live with this unrealistic fear of my nose basically falling off, all because I couldn’t stop and just pull my shit together. I want to hug people and not need to reach up so they can hug an elongated version of me, never feeling the wideness of my arms under theirs. I want to bring my children to a water park or vacation without a boat load of medication, nervous vomiting and wearing what may as well be a parka, pretending to be afraid of the sun. I want to be as beautiful as my girls tell me I am. I want to shower with them and not hold my stomach in and worry about the angle I face my THREE and FIVE year old at. THEY DON’T CARE and here I am, stressing. My youngest, a couple of weeks ago, decided to use my bum as a drum and liked the way it shook. I almost died inside, and there she was, laughing away, thinking her mom was super cool with a shaking bum. I left the shower and cried. I want to be less messed up in my mind. I know better.

Will this happen? Well, I’ve lost of a lot of faith that it ever will over the years. I feel I’ve done everything. That’s why I took this drastic step of a photo shoot with Jennifer. I only threw up twice – before and after - and only ugly cried in front of the camera once. Though the experience was as comfortable as it could be, I spent it in goosebumps and sheer terror, while trying to make the best of it through joking around. My therapist, psychiatrist and doctor thought if I could do it, it would be “good for me”, and everyone knows I have mad medical doctor love – so I am willing to try just about any suggestion of people who are smarter and wiser than I am.

Funny enough, recently I was approached by a professional to do something similar to this story, but ended up being told that I was neither “skinny enough” or “fat enough” to be a participant. They needed people on the extremes so people can relate through a visual experience. That fueled my fire. That even though my file was thick, and I was told that I was “too bright for my own good” (that’s a thing?!?), my body was not allowed to have these issues. I was too average to be allowed to feel the way I felt. When I saw the photos in proof form, I didn't see anything different than I see in the mirror. I see exactly what I don't like about myself. That's a tough pill to swallow. I think I was really hoping that I could see myself in a new light, maybe in the eyes of how see other people, in a state of indifference about their bodies. I gave up comparing myself to others years ago - now I just self compare, I guess.

Eating disorders can fit anyone. One size does not fit all. Mental Health Disorders affect one in five of us, even those of us who help others with their mental health.

To all the people who lose years of their life, obsessing and missing out on life’s pleasures, who don’t look like they have issues. Who appear like life is put together. This is for you. Here goes nothing. Literally I’m wearing basically nothing. As I write this I’ve not even seen all the edited photos. I just agreed to put them out there. I hope that I can help at least one person realize that no person has it all together. God, I certainly don’t. I’ve done wonderful things in life, I’ve helped people. I’ve also done things I regret and things I’m ashamed of. I’m human. I’m also trained enough to know that our actions don’t define us. We are not one page of a book, we are the whole story. That if we work hard, we can get through anything. We aren’t supposed to carry mountains, we are supposed to climb them. This part of me doesn’t define who I am even though it controls me. It’s given me a need to be needed by people that I am almost embarrassed about, yet at the same time, it’s helped me be the strong, busy people person that I am. Do I have it worse than anyone else? Ha. Not even close. We all have our own journeys. We all have our own things going on. Do I worry about the internet trolls? Not really - they can't possibly be any tougher on me than I've already been. It is what it is, right?


Thanks for making it to the end of my wordiness. On Friday April 6th, or before, consider stepping forward and sharing your own journey. Let's work together to help end the stigma that surrounds mental health and help build a strong, braver and more accepting society together.

- Natalie Proulx
http://facingthesun.life/
https://www.facebook.com/facingthesun.life/
​

Society as a whole has this awful way of flat-out telling us that we are unworthy as human beings of being loved, respected, and valued simply because we have (or lack) certain things. Our character often takes a backseat and we are routinely defined by our physical traits or abilities. We are told that if we have fat then we don’t deserve love and that if we are skinny we should be content because that is the epitome of awesome. We see posts that tell us if we have a disability than we are lazy and don’t want to work. We are told that our thoughts, feelings and emotions are less valuable than our physical reflection in the mirror. We endorse the idea that our worth in this world is defined by our clothing size, our ethnicity, and our sexual orientation; that those who don’t fit into the 1% are not worthy.

Honestly? Eff that nonsense.

Through several years of abuse I was coached to believe that by having fat it meant I was unlovable and worthless and that being sensitive to the emotions of others made me weak and pathetic.

From the outside I played a role and wore a cheerful mask to hide the sadness and self-loathing that I felt. I credit the start of my journey towards healing to my very first photo shoot with Jennifer and Lady Luck Pin Up’s.

Jennifer saw a crack in my foundation and with the help of her camera, she planted seeds where flowers of love and self-actualization have grown.

 Learning to silence my own negative internal voices and those negative opinions that are sometimes forcibly thrust upon me by society has certainly been a challenge. Changing the way your brain has been programmed to think is not an easy task and requires a lot of practice. Surrounding myself with positive people who continually lift me up and aim to bring light to an often dark world has made all the difference. Embracing the good, accepting the bad, and waking up each day with a grateful heart helps me spread the love that was so wonderfully gifted to me.

At times I can still find myself drifting back to the negative pattern of thinking, but  remembering and recognizing that I am MORE than my physical attributes or other’s opinions is incredibly liberating. Just because I have fat or am emotional does not mean I am unworthy of love, respect, and happiness. We are not defined by our worst mistake or our least positive attribute. Through rebuilding my personal foundation over the last 10 years I have learned how strong, compassionate, dynamic, tenacious and resilient I am. That the traits that make me different are actually what make me seriously kick-ass!

I have worked with Jennifer on a number of different projects in addition to the privilege of being a “Lady Luck Representative” at Body Positive social events . Together we decided this photo series needed to happen!!! The Lady Luck Pinup’s community is so unique and supportive. Over the years through the sharing of past photographs, folks have approached me and shared many personal and sensitive stories with me. It has been a real honor being welcomed into strangers lives while they share some of their biggest fears . They often exclaim why they could “never” do what I do in front of the camera.

​I have heard from so many folks when they see my photos say “I WISH I could do that! Maybe when I lose weight/gain weight/have clear skin…” I always tell people that there will never be a  better time than now to feel absolutely amazing in your own skin.

Each word written on my body was carefully selected. Though we recognize that the words we chose are only a very small portion of the words used to negatively impact someone’s self-esteem, these 5 words appeared most frequently in our talks with folks over the years. We aimed to represent that we can be fat/skinny/emotional/disabled/gay and still be WORTHY! Society does not get to dictate our happiness. Society does not get to tell us we don't matter.

Honestly? Eff that nonsense!
You ARE worthy!

<3 Bree

​

On January 12th my husband and I welcomed our third and final baby. His name is Rowan and he is perfect.
This was definitely my most difficult pregnancy out of the three not only because it followed a loss but I also had complications throughout making it much more stressful. All the sickness pain and stress was totally worth it to have my little rainbow in my arms and an amazing new part of my family.


Bringing children into the word is definitely a challenge no matter how it happens and I’m not talking just the method of delivery.
Personally I feel like I have gone through four “stages” of motherhood with each new baby.


First pregnancy brings all sorts of challenges from getting to know the toilet in a personal level (face to face so to speak) to the pain and discomfort near the end of pregnancy along with any complications that may arise with Mom or baby. There are also amazing moments like feeling babe kick for he first time - or even the 100th time. The body goes through so many changes during pregnancy it can be hard to embrace some of those changes - especially near the end when you can’t see your toes and feel like there no way you could possibly expand or swell any more. Stretch marks appear out of nowhere and nothing fits comfortably - it can be very hard to feel positive about yourself at this time - but your growing a beautiful baby - embrace it.


Next comes labour and delivery - I don’t think I have to elaborate on how hard, painful or messy that whole process can be - so to say some women don’t exactly feel beautiful at this point in the journey isn’t hard to understand. All three of my deliveries were natural unmedicated hospital deliveries - I’m so proud of my body. Never have I felt so empowered in a situation I really didn’t have control over. Regardless of how messy or painful - how “gross” you may feel you have a beautiful baby to hold so it’s ok - and at that point attention seems to shift to baby - and really it’s the prize at the end of the struggle.


Third is the immediate stage after having the baby - for some reason many people think once baby comes out you snap back to pre baby size - but in reality you look about 6 months pregnant still - takes a while before the uterus contracts back down. At the same time your milk is coming in and all of a sudden your breasts are twice their normal size and leaking all over. Again your clothes still don’t seem to fit comfortably - it’s easy to get down on yourself and not feel very “beautiful”. Your body is going through all these changes to help nourish a small human that your uterus housed for nine months. Even if you don’t feel beautiful in the way it’s portrayed in the media - embrace the awesomeness that is the female body.


The fourth stage is life after having a baby - after you come home from the hospital. Things that were firm and flat before are now soft stretched out and covered in stretch marks. My three year old son really made me appreciate those attributes - I had been answering all his questions about the baby and pregnancy in general - how my belly was big because the baby was growing in there etc. As I came downstairs holding his new brother he said to me “I love your soft belly now Mama” and gave me a hug while patting my belly. When I asked why he said “because it made me new baby and old baby” (he affectionately calls his little sister old baby now) Yup I cried - My stretched out belly and extra baby weight may not be deemed beautiful in the media’s terms but my baby’s are here because of it - they love it and so do I.


I had a wonderful time again at Lady Luck - I’m so proud of what my body has accomplished and had a great time embracing it. Ladies if you are having a hard time post baby - even if your babies are not babies any more go see Jen - take a day for yourself you will leave feeling wonderfully beautiful like you should!
- Kalli

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"I was so very excited to have a paint photo shoot done with Lady Luck. It was a gift to myself!! Sometime we all need to do something just for ourselves. We all have different reasons as to what we do, some get their hair cut and coloured every few weeks or get their nails done. As for myself, I wanted to be covered in paint, in a phot shoot but not just any paint, bright orange paint. The colour Orange for me is a colour of Strength, empowerment, utter joy/happiness and is my favourite colour. It also is the colour of the sacral chakra, which has a lot of meaning for me.

Have you ever been so excited and unsure about how things will work out?? Well, that was me when it was time to apply the paint. I knew that I wanted paint all over myself, but how would that work? I covered my hands in paint and just looked at them. That is when I realized that I needed to do it slowly and take my time. When overcoming a bad situation, it doesn’t happen right away, it takes time. That is how I went about applying the paint, adding a little more each time until I was covered. It was a very healing moment in this part of my life. In life we face many obstacles and we can either let them destroy us and bring us down or we can find strength to fight for ourselves.
It was one of the most empowering moments that I’ve ever experienced.
I choose to fight for me everyday!!"
💛Aimee
🍀Hair and makeup by Deanna Spencer-Walker Owner of The Revival Salon

The term rainbow baby has become more common in the last couple years.

“It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm.

When a rainbow appears, it does not mean the storm didn’t happen or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of darkness and clouds.

Storm Clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope.” (Author unknown)

I love this term and what it represents; a baby born after a loss is a light in the darkness of grief.

I am currently expecting my third baby but this is not my third pregnancy. This is my sixth pregnancy. I lost two babies before I had my son three years ago. The first was before my husband and I were married I was very sick at the time and the medication I was on caused my birth control to fail. My body couldn’t sustain a pregnancy and we sadly lost that baby who would have been due in August of that year.

I couldn’t help but feel immense guilt over the loss as I was just not healthy enough to provide for that life.

Exactly a year later after getting healthy, buying a house and getting married my husband and I learned we were expecting just before Christmas - what a gift!

Baby would be due in august again.

On New Year’s Day after two days of heavy bleeding I lost the baby. It was devastating I just felt numb for so many days. All the “what if’s” and “what could have been” thoughts were overwhelming - I turned to my trusty journal and wrote it all out.

I drew pictures and quotes about loss and grief - anything I could relate to went into the book. It really helped to put it somewhere.

That March we were blessed with another positive pregnancy test it was a day with mixed emotions - joy, fear and everything in between.

Going through a pregnancy after a loss can be stressful. I would find myself getting excited with baby plans then scared to let myself get too happy incase something happened.

We welcomed our first rainbow baby - our son Kieran in November after a natural uncomplicated birth. He is amazing and really helped ease the pain of the loss prior to his arrival.

Our beautiful daughter followed 18 months later after a uncomplicated pregnancy and natural birth - we felt so complete.

To celebrate and remember the two before them I planted two butterfly bushes in a special garden in our backyard where we sit and watch the butterflies each summer.

In late January of this year we were surprised with a positive pregnancy test - a third baby was not in our original plan but we knew there was room in our hearts and home for another sweet baby.

In mid March after using the washroom I found blood and knew right there our babe was gone and within two days I naturally miscarried. I told myself I should just feel lucky to have the two babies that I did have and tried to be strong but that almost made it worse as I knew exactly what I was missing.

Coping with a loss while being physically and emotionally present for little humans relying on you has its own set of challenges.

After turning to my journal yet again and after the initial shock wore off I knew we were meant to have three. We made room in our lives and hearts for a third - even though a piece of my heart will stay with my angel baby who would have been due in October.

There was still room almost an empty space that needed to be filled someday.

On mother’s day we learned that space would be filled in early 2018.

So here I sit in eager anticipation of another beautiful rainbow - the final piece in our little family and the perfect way to start a new year!

I’ve caught myself throughout this journey feeling I should not “complain” dwell on the loss or feel bad for myself because I’ve only experienced early loss and I know a lot of other women feel the same way for some reason. A loss just like a storm is just that and a unique pain for the person experiencing it.

Every person copes and grieves in their own way. In my experience talking about it and acknowledging it helps even if it’s writing it down somewhere private.

With this baby I knew I wanted to celebrate his/her rainbow status and pregnancy in general. It’s one of the hardest and most amazing things I will ever experience in my life. I’ve heard women say they have a hard time trusting their bodies after a loss in pregnancy - I trust that my body knew those babies I lost we’re not meant to be here with us - as much as it hurt there was a reason my body rejected those pregnancies.

I am so blessed and thankful I am able to house and grow such a miracle inside me. I will always remember the babies not with me and cherish the ones I have to hold.

I had a chance encounter with Jennifer a couple of years ago while she was in hospital and learned what she did for women (and men). I knew it was something I wanted to take part in as I’ve always been self conscious but I never knew exactly how she would touch my life.

After some seeing paint smash photos she had done I messaged her with my idea. I just knew I wanted to cover my pregnant self in rainbow paint! I couldn’t think of a better way for me to celebrate the little life I was growing and pay tribute to the loss I had suffered.

There was an instant connection over the phone and even more so in person. She has this way of making you feel so comfortable confident and beautiful! With all the changes you experience during pregnancy it’s hard to stay body positive the whole time but during my shoot I felt so beautiful and that was exactly what I was hoping for.

Looking through the pics I can’t help but feel so comfortable and proud of myself. I will cherish them forever I can’t thank you enough for such an experience!
​

Mental health. There's so much to say about it, isn't there? Well my friends Kat Leonard and Meghan Bradley used their informative and unique TV show, The Curve with Kat & Meg, to take the time to talk about exactly that.
Back in the spring I was asked to be a part of another one of their episodes. 😄
The thought of going on public forum and talking about my own personal struggles with mental health kind of scared me a little bit, I won't lie. I'm going to be judged..or am I?
Not only that, but the thought of seeing myself on camera scared the crap out of me! I think I almost needed that kick in the butt, because now I realize how nerve-wracking and scary it is for my clients when they step into my studio.
I needed that experience, solely so I could remember what my clients deal with almost every day after they book a shoot with me.
You can actually see and hear me in this video talking about how seeing myself in a video, shot by somebody else, opened my eyes. And Meghan, quickly reminds me of what I needed to remember....
I won't lie, part of me was scared to share this video because I was worried about how I looked.
I won't lie, I thought I might be judged, because I clearly admit that I have mental health problems.
I won't lie, I picked myself apart a little bit.
I won't lie, I picked myself apart, a lot.
I won't lie and pretend that I'm always easy on myself, positive about my appearance, and I will admit that I don't always practice what I preach, with myself.
I won't lie, I am completely and utterly infatuated with my business. Why? I truly and honestly want to use my talent as a vehicle to help as many women, as much as possible, see how FREAKING amazing they are! Scratch that, I want them to not only SEE how amazing they look... But more so, FEEL how one of a kind, deep down beautiful, and POWERFUL they are.
Thank you to Kat and Meghan for everything you do! The Curve is a powerful vehicle for spreading the body positive word. I am completely honored that you included me in two of your episodes. Keep doing what you do!
Let's end the stigma surrounding Mental Health.

​https://thecurveca.wordpress.com/2017/12/19/12-daze-of-the-curve-day/

This whole body positivity thing, do you know who we need to get the message through too, more than anybody? The little, impressionable, important, tiny human beings in this world!

They are the ones that will be growing up after us and who will be continuing on this very positive, important message!

When this beautiful little girl came into my studio yesterday, full of heart, happiness and positive light, I just had to ask her to do this little video for us!

All bodies are beautiful. Isn't it beautiful hearing it from the mouth of a five-year-old little girl?

How powerful are these four words coming from such an impressionable little girl?. Let's keep spreading the word, all bodies are beautiful!

In this world, all bodies should be accepted! Imagine how much happier life would be knowing that you are accepted for who you are? 🍀

I I have modeled professionally for over 25 years so that means I must be comfortable and relaxed in front of a camera, right?  The answer is that my comfort level has a lot to do with who is behind the camera.  I have worked with amazing photographers and yet felt anxious and stressed out because there is no connection.  They are busy clicking away but not letting me know what they are looking for – there was no communication.  The experience ends up frustrating for both the photographer and the model.  They are sighing because they aren’t getting “the shot” and yet they never told me, the model, what “the shot” is that they are looking for.  Sounds crazy, right?  It is more common than you think in a commercial setting.  The key to a successful shoot is working together to achieve what you want. This kind of collaboration is what you get at Lady Luck Pin Ups.
 When I booked my shoot with Jen, we started with a chat on the phone.  Jen wanted to discuss exactly what I was hoping to get out of the shoot.  She encouraged me to send inspirational pics of what I was looking for and she really cared that we achieved the goal, together.
When I arrived at the studio, the make-up artist Deanna, also took the time to really listen about the look I was going for and wanted to ensure my hair and make-up was on point.
While we were shooting, Jen would stop, check-in and ask if the pose was feeling, right?  Was I feeling natural and comfortable?  Did we want to try something else and offer suggestions in a collaborative way.  She even wanted to know my favourite music so she could have it playing in the background.  
She made me feel completely relaxed and I felt I could speak up about what I liked or didn’t like.  We were a team and we were working on a common goal.  When I received the pictures, I was delighted to see that we not only were the goals achieved, but they were knocked out of the park.
Whether you are a professional model or hate the camera, it all comes down to how someone makes you feel and the ability to relax and just be yourself.  Jen brings out the best in you because her personality is fun, approachable and she wants your feedback.  It is important to Jen that you work as a team, throughout the entire process.  It is the magical equation that delivers an excellent shoot, every time.
I would recommend Jen to anyone who is interested in receiving beautiful pictures of themselves.  You will not be disappointed.  

- Meghan Bradley, Director Of Curvy Expo and Plus Size Model