Growing up, I’ve always been on the heavier side. I mean, I ate right, I got plenty of exercise, but still, I was bigger than almost all the other girls. Around the time I was hitting puberty (probably age 11), I was really starting to grow.
Unfortunately for me, my hair wasn’t blond; it was black. I had the thick eye brows, black hairy arms and legs, but I still wanted to wear the cute skorts, and t-shirts. Sadly, that was also the time when my insecurity issues started. I liked certain boys, but the boys didn’t like me. Picked on for having hairy legs, and a moustache, not being girly enough, I always covered my body because I was ashamed. Fast forward to grade 11, some things have changed, slimmed down a bit from playing rugby, “grew” in the right places, and I met a boy who would later become my husband.
During the honeymoon stage, every was good. But we don’t have a lot in common, but I liked that about him. A year into the relationship, I move away, but we continue our relationship long distance until one day, he asks me to marry him! I say yes! We’ve hit some rocky points in the relationship by now, but we’re still wanting to get married. The planning process, still rocky.
The wedding day, amazing, first two years of marriage, pretty decent for never having lived together before! The romance over the years, slowly dwindling.
Now we fast forward to December of 2018, and some stuff happens that floors me. January, the relationship is on this ice, and I’m bending over backwards trying to fix it, trying to make it work. Doing things I think would make him happy. At this point, I’m feeling like a failure because nothing is working. He just wants out. I’m a failure of a wife, a failure in my profession, because my personal stuff is affecting my ability to do my job. Then I start to think I’m a disappointment to my parents and family because my marriage is in the crapper.
And now, insecurities are through the roof and I’m in a dark, dark, place. I felt like I was in water, and even though I know how to swim, I just couldn’t break the surface and I was drowning. I didn’t know how to handle everything that was coming at me. It seemed that every time I opened my mouth to talk to the man who was supposed to love me unconditionally forever, it made him frustrated and not want to be around me.
Thoughts of suicide because I couldn’t make my husband happy, but I wanted to because I loved him. Thoughts of suicide because of personal stuff getting in the way of me performing my duties at my work place. Thoughts of suicide because I’m letting my parents down and not giving them a grandchild. This is not what I wanted for my life. I thought I’d be married at 21, first child by 25, second by 27, maybe a third by 30. A house somewhere in between all that.
Well, I’ve just turned 30 and no kids, I’m separated/divorcing, and my husband-not-husband, is already dating someone new. We’ve come to realize that we were trying to hard to keep our relationship like it was when we got together. We didn’t give it room to grow, nor did we support each other in the things we wanted to do. We didn’t communicate.
Thankfully, I’m still alive. Even through all of that, I’m still breathing. I knew I was in a dark place, and I sought help. I took a week off of work, reflected on myself, and reached out to my doctor, and she said that I have severe depression, and that she’s putting me on medication. I reached out to my mom, and to anyone I thought would be able to help me, and who would understand. Shockingly enough, some of my family members even shared their stories of when they went to the dark place. In a weird way, I felt better knowing I wasn’t alone. I had more people than I realized who knew the pain I was going through, and were there to help me.
With therapy, and medication, I’ve been working really hard to feel better. And so far, it’s working. I’m learning to pick my battles, I’m learning to LOVE myself before anyone else. I’m learning that a man doesn’t define me. A man doesn’t make me happy. I need to make me happy. I’m doing things for me now. For my birthday my mom, brother and his girlfriend, all pitch in and do something extremely wonderful by contacting Jen at lady lucky and book a shoot for me. I choose pin up.
We scheduled a time to meet, and instantly click. Some laughs, some tears, we bond. The day of the shoot comes, I’m prepared for everything. And Jen made me feel so comfortable, like I’ve known her for years, and with every click of her camera, I’m feeling beautiful.
Every time she said something sweet, I didn’t know what to say, because I didn’t hear that often. I never felt beautiful. I never felt worthy. I’m not sure if there is anyone out there who can relate to my story, but just know you are not alone.
You are beautiful! You are loved. You deserve to be here. You deserve to be happy. Book with Jen! You will not regret it, you’ll have the most gorgeous photos to remember the day and the way you felt, and it’ll empower you every day! I’m still on a high from the shoot day a week ago. I feel invincible, like nothing will ever bring me down or hurt me. I’m loving myself more because of it. And so should you.
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