1 year almost to the day, after I was molested by a family member. (Family, now there's a funny word). Cue the first time I remember the darkness, the sadness, the heaviness. I was constantly told, I should have been a boy, by my father. Hello Shame, sorriness You see, I was pregnancy number 6 for them. All before me, boys! All but 1 (who is severely mentally challenged Aldo with cerebral) were born stillborn or passed of SIDS. And although I made it kicking and screaming into this world, sometimes I wished they had just let me go too.
I could do nothing right in my father's eyes, and mom was a typical 50's wife who didn't question what hubby said. By grade 8 I had already tried to commit suicide with pills, how I'm still here is a mystery. How I was able to make them believe I was just not feeling well, as I was beyond messed up on t3's x 100. (Eventually throwing up and sleeping) said so much to me. I have By 15 I was out of the house permanently. Still the darkness followed.
Not long before leaving home for good, I met a woman, who appeared to really want to help me. She seemed to care and it felt good. It felt real. Little did I know, I was being groomed for hers and her bfs adult friends. I was introduced to acid, pot, booze and sex. I was sent home one night, with one of their friends, who I was just introduced to that day. I still asked myself some days why the hell I went or participated, even though I know many years later I was a naive 15 year old who wanted to feel love so bad I was willing to talk myself into anything.
Through the years, I just learnt to "deal" with the darkness..to mask how I was feeling, because I was tired of trying to explain or better yet, defend my thoughts, my feelings. So I went to school, had relationships, raised kids but was never really fully present, as I didn't know who, what or how. I just went through the motions that were accepted by society. Because let's face it, in my 50 years and still today, mental health has such a stigma surrounding it, people are afraid to speak about it, for fear of being judged or having it used against them. Now don't get wrong, life isn't only filled with sadness and darkness, although some days it's hard to find light, it is there! It's always been there. Waiting, calling and waiting some more.
But once you find the strength to reach out for it, it's glorious. It proves that doom and gloom doesn't have to win. Life doesn't need to be filled with dread, worry, anger, sadness and even numbness. I mean, it's always going to be a part of me. How could it not, with everything I'd been through. At 28, I was diagnosed with bi polar and adhd and FINALLY, thongs started to make sense. The difference between life growing up, (which also includes my young adulthood right up to the here and now), and the present, is that..... I'VE learned to forgive myself and love ME. Read that again! I spent an entire lifetime chasing acceptance and love from anyone else, I forgot to learn to love me.
Once that became a part of my daily life, those crippling hands that held me back and kept me quiet, released their grip, became soft and caring. So please, reach out, to anyone! Seriously, if it takes talking to a complete stranger, to keep you here...DO IT IF you have no one to talk to, message me. I will talk to you for as long as it takes to help you get through but a dark moment.
Together we can all find our brightness, find the light outside of our own minds. So no matter what feeds your darkness, if we all step up, encourage, praise, build each other, we can crush the stigma. Let's do better before there's nothing better left.
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